Draco and the Strange Happenings at Hogwarts
by Libbs
Summary: There are no words, and if there are, I cant find them. Just humor me and read.


**A/N**: Okay, I know that there are people out there waiting for the third chapter of The Plan and others waiting for the third chapter of Twisted Obsession; and I promise that as soon as I can kick my brain into gear and bribe my muse with enough chocolate to give me some good ideas, new chappies for both fics will be out. But for right now, humor me and give this one a try.  It's different from my other fics; there's no slash or torture to be seen. (well, at least not** physical** torture…J) Basically it's me putting my friends and their rather odd Harry Potter obsessions in a fic and seeing what turns up. This is an early Christmas present for my friend Sarah. Merry Christmas, luv. One thing that the reader should keep in mind while reading this is that the fic is more a spin off of **Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets** move than anything else.

But alas! Just when you thought you had gotten away without a warning, one barges in. While this warning has nothing to do with slash or violence it is still very important, so pay close attention. The warning is thus: I mention AIDS several times in this fic. I know that in real life AIDS is not something to joke about. However, this is sort of an inside thing with my friends and I couldn't not put it in here. So let me just apologize now for any offence this might cause. So no flames, k, guys?

Right, now that I'm finished babbling, on with the story!

But first, a word from our sponsor: the writer of this fic wishes you to know that she owns nothing of the story except for the plot. She is also a co-owner of the song "Nostrils of Doom". This is all that she owns and she will take responsibility for it. The rest came out of a much more talented woman's imagination, and the writer is merely taking the characters for a test drive, so to speak. Thank you for listening and have a nice day.

Kay, onward for real!

He looked over his shoulder again, to see if she was still there. She was. Draco Malfoy sighed and turned back to Crabbe and Goyle, his all purpose goons, deciding yet again that there really was no harm in her following him around. Really, she hadn't done anything but stare, and since he was the best-looking boy in Hogwarts (even if he did say so himself), he couldn't blame her. Still, it was slightly unnerving.

What was even more unnerving was the way that she had just appeared out of nowhere, as if some Great Cosmic Being had decided that this girl just had to be at Hogwarts, and crack! There she was.

The weirdest part was that when Draco asked around, he appeared to be the only one who had noticed this. Everyone else had acted like they'd known her for years. In between simpers about how cute Draco was Pansy Parkinson said that she was 'really very interesting, even if she was a Hufflepuff'. Blaise Zabini, who was a very good source of information despite no one's knowing his-um, hers-oh, hell, **its **sex, had said that she was 'really quite boisterous and mischievous, for a Ravenclaw'. And to top it all off, Marcus Flint had told Draco to 'stop being crazy, everyone knows Cat. She's the only Gryffindor worth talking to'. Draco had processed this information while trying not to stare at his Quidditch captain's gynormous front teeth, even though they seemed to be reaching out to him. Literally. **Gross.**

So all Draco had really gotten from these interviews was the understanding that he alone realized that this girl had come out of nowhere, and that she didn't seem to belong to any House. Even more intriguing was that no one he'd talked to knew her surname. When he'd asked, Pansy had gaped like a fish, Blaise had blinked a few times then shrugged his (or her?) shoulders, and Marcus' teeth had retreated back into his mouth to form a surprised scowl. Now Draco was sure that she hadn't been at Hogwarts for more than two days.

Okay, okay, in all fairness one could surmise that he simply hadn't noticed her at all in nearly six years of attending Hogwarts. It was common knowledge that Draco was a very self-centered lad, and-wait just one minute here! Draco knew that he was most certainly not self-centered! And even if he did happen to be slightly more conceited than the average Hogwarts student (just a tad, really), he was sure that he would have noticed this girl at some point during those six years regardless.

Why was he so sure? For one thing, if she had regular enough conversations with any Slytherin, he would have known. And she seemed to have had regular conversations with not one, but most of his Housemates. Even odder, they all seemed to like her. That alone would have made Draco take notice, but even without that, the truth was that Cat was just not someone you could miss. At six feet, three inches, she was easily the tallest person at Hogwarts, dwarfing even Crabbe and Goyle. She had short black hair and liked to dress loudly. Whatever grabbed the most attention was what she would wear, sans robes. Draco doubted that even the most unobservant person at Hogwarts could overlook someone like that.

Draco had also noticed that Cat had taken to stalking him. She would follow him around the school, staring obsessively. The only time that she wasn't around Draco was when he was in the Slytherin common room, and to be honest he wasn't sure how long that would last. He was sure that sooner or later she would worm her way in, and then no place would be safe.

Anyway, back to the present. So here he was, Draco Malfoy, squished between two goons he hadn't thought he needed anymore until two days ago, pondering the turn his life had taken. Sighing, he finally looked up, and his eyes met a sight that would have shocked him a mere two days ago, but by now was commonplace.

Harry Potter was running towards them, hands up in the air and eyes wild, yelling for all the world to hear, "The AIDS saved my life!" Draco rolled his eyes. Just two days ago it had come out that Dumbledore had gotten AIDS from Voldemort while attempting to become his blood brother. Somehow or other, he had accidentally butt-raped Fawkes, his phoenix, consequently giving the bird AIDS as well. How does this all affect Harry Potter, one might wonder. Well, in second year Fawkes had saved Harry Potter from certain death due to Hepatitis C, caused in part by the bite of a carrier, the basilisk that lived in the Chamber of Secrets, and also in part by a used piece of tissue that he had pried out of Hermione Granger's Petrified fingers that same year. But in saving Harry from the evil Hepatitis, Fawkes also passed the AIDS on to Harry, who seemed to think it was the best thing since becoming a wizard. Ronald Weasley had also contracted Hepatitis, but as neither Dumbledore nor Fawkes was really fond of the redhead, he had been left to suffer, and consequently trailed around after Harry, looking listless and depressed at the thought of his impending doom.

Because of these now known facts, the castle was in an uproar. Several students, consisting mostly of Ravenclaws, questioned the mechanics of accidental butt-rape, but Draco preferred to stay out of these conversations. It was bad enough that he had to hear about it in the first place, but ever so much worse to listen to his peers discuss it as though it were an interesting topic. Besides, he had other things to think about. Such as why none of this had come out before. If Dumbledore had had AIDS all this time, then why the hell hadn't he tried to get help? Why had he kept this knowledge to himself, even when he knew that his pet Golden Boy was infected? And why had all of this come about two days ago?

**Two days ago**, Draco thought, taking another glance back at the figure behind him. **Just when she got here**. Draco had a sneaking suspicion that what had been happening the past two days was somehow connected to the person behind him, this strange girl called Cat who didn't seem to belong anywhere.

The biggest problem with Draco's deduction was that he couldn't prove it. He couldn't prove that Cat had anything to do with the crazy goings on at Hogwarts, and that really pissed him off. Draco was not the type to take the knowledge that he was helpless lightly, and the fact that the whole school save for him had lost their minds was not helping his already short temper. Draco felt his eyebrows lose control, as they so often did when he was particularly angry, much to his dismay. In second year he had been so angry at Potter that his eyebrows had gone wild, and Ron Weasley had actually thought that Draco was **making eyes** at him. Yeah, right…Malfoys had much better taste than to make eyes at a Weasley, and Draco had said as much. However, the damage was done, and it had taken the students of Hogwarts a year to forget it. Now Draco tried valiantly to calm his psychotic eyebrows before someone got the wrong idea yet again.

In the middle of all this anger and fruitless attempts at getting his eyebrows to stop wriggling like caterpillars (**caterpillars?** His mind shrieked in total horror.** Caterpillars!?**), Draco glanced behind him again, and sure enough, she was there. But then-of all the nerve!-the girl actually **wriggled her eyebrows back at Draco!** Like she thought that Draco was **hitting **on her! As if any such thing could ever happen outside her little imagination. Draco's eyebrows immediately began to work overtime, and his mouth started to form his Patented Malfoy Sneer when he was again struck by how tall the girl was. Draco gulped. Maybe he would save his sneer for someone else…like Potter. Potter was the perfect person to sneer at, when he wasn't running around like a chicken with its head cut off, that was.

**Ah, hell.** Deciding that he would just have to forgo the sneering for the time being, Draco opted to stare at the floor instead and contemplate his situation. **Okay, let me think about this. One, a new girl shows up at Hogwarts, conspicuous by her clothing and height. Yet no one seems to think that this is anything out of the ordinary; they also say that they have known this girl forever. Two, just after this girl appeared at Hogwarts, the AIDS scandal began. Supposedly all of it happened in second year but we were not informed for some reason. Three, Snape's wife just showed up to give him his lesson plan. Four, wait a minute, Snape's _wife_?**

Draco's thoughts abruptly cut off and his mouth dropped open, eyes widening as a woman who could be none other than Snape's wife ran up to said Professor, waving a poison green notebook in his face. "Oh, Sevvie-love, here is your lesson plan for today. Wouldn't want you to lose all you plans for torturing Harry-bloody-Potter, now would we?" she asked him, sweeping her extremely curly, hungry-looking hair out of her eyes. As she did so, Draco swore he saw a black cat poke its head out of it; blinking its yellow eyes against the light, the cat took a look around at the bustling halls and with an almost human squeak of terror, immediately put its head back in the relative safety of its owner's hair.

Draco blinked once, twice before turning to his companions and asking them, "Did you see that?" Both turned to him and blinked stupidly, interrupted from their oh-so-interesting discussion about which flavor muffin was best. "Huh?" Crabbe asked stupidly at the same time Goyle said, "Oh, you mean Professor and Mrs. Snape? What's the deal, Draco? You know that Snape tends to forget things at home lately. She's been bringing him his lesson plan for two days now."

What shocked Draco the most was not that Goyle had just spoken more in that one minute than he had ever spoken in the whole six years that Draco had known him (after finding out that Goyle could read in second year, Draco had figured there was a brain in there, after all), it wasn't the fact that Snape had a wife, hell, it wasn't even that Draco had seen a cat poking out of the woman's hair. No, what bothered him was that Snape had only had a wife for two days. Didn't anyone else see the connection?

Obviously not, Draco decided as the students around him acted as though nothing was wrong, and Goyle continued to stare at him like he had grown another head…perhaps two. After a moment or three of this Draco's eyebrows started up again, and cursing, he came to the conclusion that since he was the only one who noticed the strange goings on at Hogwarts, he was the one who had to save the day. **Step back, Potter**, he thought, smirking, '**cause it's Draco Malfoy's turn to play hero.**

~****~

Of course, Draco didn't know how one went about playing hero, so he did the first thing that came into his mind upon entering the Slytherin common room: he owled his father. Reading over the letter, he thought that he had done quite well. It read:

Father— 

**            Lately, some strange things have been happening at Hogwarts, and I thought that you should know about them. There is this strange girl named Cat here; she's only been here for two days and already everyone is acting as though they have known her all of her life. As if that isn't enough, she seems to be stalking me. She is in all of my classes, and she follows me around the halls constantly. I know for a fact that she is not in Slytherin, for she is never in the common room, and yet no two people I've talked to can agree to which House she belongs.**

**            As if the first is not odd enough, we just found out two days ago that Harry Potter has been infected with AIDS since second year. Apparently, he got it while in the Chamber of Secrets. Now he runs through the halls screaming that the bloody AIDS saved his worthless life from Hepatitis. And no one thinks that this behavior is out of the ordinary, either. Is it just me or has everyone in Hogwarts lost it?**

**            Oh, and by the way, did you know that Severus is married? I just saw his wife for the first time today, yet Gregory tells me that she has been coming by the school for two days. And if you knew about her, what is up with the cat in her hair?**

**            I honestly cannot stress enough that all this has happened in a matter of two days. Tow days in which all of Hogwarts has lost their minds. Two days in which this Cat person has been present. If you think that I may be on to something, or want to investigate this for yourself, please do. I am quite unsure how to handle a whole school full of St. Mungo's patients.**

**            Sincerely,**

**            Your son,**

**            Draco Malfoy**

Satisfied that Lucius' curiosity would be piqued, Draco quickly sent the letter off with his owl and sat back, fully intending to just wait out the time until his father got to Hogwarts to sort things out. He was sure that his father would come to Hogwarts and straighten everything out, making it possible for Draco to walk down the halls with his usual swagger, and sneer at whomever he wanted.

He had longer to wait than he'd thought, however. His father, Narcissa Malfoy informed him in a returned letter, had gone on a pressing business trip just two days ago, and she had no clue as to when he would be back. Draco's eyebrows gave a twitch of warning as he realized his father had gone away just **two days ago.** How bloody **convenient.**

Still, Draco thought that he could wait it out. After all, it wasn't as though the girl's appearance really affected his life at all, except for the staring. And Draco found that he could live with that, as long as it never progressed to touching. With this thought firmly in his mind, Draco went about his daily activities, and a week passed with no unusual (well, other unusual) things happening.

Yet after this week, Draco was getting Fed Up. His father had never gone on a business trip this long before, and really, he had gotten sick of all the staring. Deciding that it was about time his father was home, he owled him once again, making sure to tell his owl to go straight to his father, instead of flying to the Manor. This time he wasted no parchment on pleasantries, rather he got straight to the point. Yet he thought it was rather dignified.

Father— 

**            All of Hogwarts has gone crazy, and you need to come here and put it all to rights. Please hurry.**

**            Your son,**

**            Draco**

**            P.S. This is all Potter's fault.**

Oh yes, this was sure to bring his father to Hogwarts.

~****~

Sure enough, within the hour there was an uproar as his father entered the school, demanding to know what was going on. Why was Snape being cuddled like a teddy bear, why was some girl was stalking his son, and **why **was Harry Potter running around like a chicken with its head cut off?

Draco smiled to himself. It was about time that this mess got settled down, in his opinion. His father would set everything straight and then leave, and Draco would be free to torment Potter and his friends, and generally make most of the students at Hogwarts miserable. He could hardly wait.

As was habit these days, he looked behind him as he made his way towards the Headmaster's office, and sure enough, there she was. Cat, the ever present presence in his life for a week and two days. Giving a loud sigh, Draco increased his speed just in time to see his father yelling at Snape.

"Snap out of it, man! You have never been, not will you ever be, married! You think that marriage is a waste of your precious time! You despise the very **thought** of wedlock!" As Snape just stared at him, Lucius turned away, eyebrows working. His gaze fell on Draco, and the girl behind him. "And **you**!" he cried, pointing at her over Draco's head. "You leave my son alone. Stop following him around! He doesn't like it; it's a stupid habit and is in no way endearing. And while you are at it put on some robes. Those muggle things are appalling."

Draco turned to see how Cat was taking all this, and he gasped. She was grinning from ear to ear. **Now why is she grinning like that?** Draco asked himself. **She should be crying after what my father said to her.** But that expression could not be taken as a sad one, even by the most imaginative person at Hogwarts.

Now, Draco did not like it when things did not work out according to plan. It made him crazy when all his careful plotting was wasted, and this was one of those times. So he reacted the way he always did in times like these: furiously. Normally when this happened Draco would charge at the person in question, wand raised and ready to do battle. But as Cat was not, say, Longbottom, and Draco was still in possession of some of his wits, he settled for glaring at the girl behind him for all he was worth instead of attacking under the reasoning that if she got angry, he could always run from her.

Yet once again his plan proved pointless, as when Cat caught his glare, she simply laughed, making his mouth drop open and his eyebrows cease all activity to fly up into his hairline in complete and total shock. Draco was sure that she was the first person who had ever laughed at him, and frankly he was amazed that she had dared. He was thrown off guard, and because of that could only blink at her stupidly as her laughter subsided. Cat gave Draco one more amused look before turning back to Lucius, who was looking even more furious than before.

Lucius stared at Cat, his mouth working soundlessly, his eyebrows going overtime (oh, come on, where did you think that Draco picked up the habit?). Just as he opened his mouth to speak, the unthinkable happened.

There came a sound from the hall behind Lucius, and he turned to see none other than Harry Potter running towards him, screaming, "The AIDS saved my life!" at the top of his voice. Lucius was not pleased. He held his hand in front of him, palm facing Harry, and yelled, "Stop that this INSTANT!" To the surprise of all present, Harry did, and he stared at Lucius, green eyes wide behind his glasses.

By now Lucius was livid, and boy, could you tell. The thing about Lucius was that when he was extremely displeased, his eyebrows were not the only part of him that went haywire. And before you go thinking below the belt (you sick pervert you), let me tell you that it was his nose. When Lucius was mad, his nostrils flared like you wouldn't believe. Well, anyway, the point is that's what they were doing at the moment…but this was the worst that Draco had ever seen it. His father's nostrils seemed to be **expanding **with each breath, until they were the size of…well, the size of Harry Potter actually, as all watching found out when the top half of said Potter disappeared up Lucius' left nostril. 

There was a collective gasp as all those present processed this turn of events, but before the gasp could so much as echo through the hall, there suddenly appeared a chorus line of house elves, led by a girl whose bushy hair rivaled Hermione Granger's, and whose teeth flashed silver when she smiled. There was a pregnant pause as the girl raised her arms, and with one last grin she brought them down and the elves burst into song:

**Nostrils of doom! **(they sang)

They'll suck you in! 

**Nostrils of doom!**

**In you'll go zoom!**

With the end of their song, all the house elves bowed as one, then abruptly vanished to go about their business. The girl who had led gave a small bow, then said an almost silent "thank you" before disappearing, though Draco swore he saw her wink at Cat. But he really had no time to ponder this new development, as Lucius was busy screaming and flailing all over the place, and Draco had to duck quite a few times to avoid being kicked by Potter's flying legs. And things got crazier still.

Out of nowhere appeared Professor Trelawney, followed closely by Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil. She ran up to where Lucius was screaming and circling. Ducking under one of his arms as it came flying towards her head, she began wailing, "Oh! I knew it! I positively knew it! I told Harry that those tea leaves were warning him of his impending doom! I, and I alone, knew that poor Harry would die from strangulation, though not the form it would take. That really is most unusual. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, poor Harry's death. Oh, oh, oh, the burden of having the Sight. How I wish that I did not know this young man's future!" With this Trelawney dissolved into sobs, falling on the floor and effectively tripping Lucius so that he fell on his ass and shut up for a while.

"All hail The Great Seer", Parvati and Lavender intoned, both voices pitched to a monotone reverence. "Without her, we're all lost". Both girls suddenly bowed low to the ground in front of Trelawney, kissing the hem of her robes.

"Oh this is so **stupid**!" cried an annoying voice from further down the hall. Everyone turned to look; and much to Draco's displeasure, there stood Hermione Granger, mudblood extraordinaire. She moved rapidly down the hall until she was right in front of Trelawney and her minions. Glaring at them, she began a boring and obviously tired lecture.

"You guys are so stupid!" she cried, brushing her hair from her eyes. "Trelawney can't See two feet in front of her, never mind the future! She's been predicting Harry's death since third year. Am I the only one who remembers this? It was only a matter of time before he actually did die, and she Saw it no more than I did." She checked Lavender and Parvati for reactions, but all they did was continue kissing Trelawney's robes as if they hadn't heard her.

Granger lost it. Draco's eyes widened as she shrieked, pulling at her hair, making it look even wilder than usual. She turned blazing eyes on Trelawney, who shrank back, eyes wide. Granger got right in the Professor's face and screamed, "AND FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME, TEACHERS CAN'T START THEIR OWN CULTS!" Granger took a deep breath, and her voice calmed down a bit as she continued, "It's in **Hogwarts, a History**, page one-twenty-three, paragraph seven, line four. Honestly, don't **any** of you ever read?" She turned to everyone in the hall, warming up to her topic. "Is it really so hard to pick up a book? I mean all you need is two hands, hands that you use every day for other activities. And **Hogwarts, a History** is fascinating. Why, did you know that in 1825 the Headmaster here was—"

A vicious "**Silencio!**" was heard, and Granger's voice disappeared, though her mouth continued to move. Draco, who had felt himself sinking into a stupor not unlike the ones he had while listening to Professor Binns, blinked and looked around gratefully for the culprit.

Snape's wife stood, wand raised and a satisfied expression on her face. "I've always wanted to do that", she confided to the crowd, slipping her wand back into her robes. She stepped over to Granger and told her, "When will you realize that nobody cares how much you know, you miserable little show-off?" She moved to go back to Snape, then turned around as if she had forgotten something. "Oh, by the way," she told Granger, "you really shouldn't talk with your whole mouth like that. It's annoying, no to mention disgusting." With a small smile, she went back to her husband's side, waving her hand dismissively when everyone continued to stare at her. "Go about your business, folks; nothing more to see here", she said, and once again Draco saw one of these strange people wink at Cat.

Everyone started to leave the hall in a stunned silence, but Lucius Malfoy took that time to stand up and start screaming again. Realizing that he had virtually forgotten about his father, Draco turned guiltily back; idly wondering if having Harry Potter up his father's nose meant that Voldemort would no longer come over for tea. Once again, Lucius was screaming, but this time he was doing it whilst standing stationary, perhaps with the fear that if he moved, someone might trip him again. The people in the hall looked at each other curiously. What were they to do?

Then out of nowhere, Professor Dumbledore appeared, followed closely by the same house elves that had sung what Draco knew people had already labeled "Nostrils of Doom". Dumbledore took in the sight of his Golden Boy hanging from Lucius Malfoy's nostril, then turned to the house elves, eyes still twinkling. "I think that St. Mungo's is the place for them," he said softly, and the house elves got to work.

Two of the house elves grabbed Lucius' hands and began leading him away, followed by the others, who began to sing softly:

**Oompa loompa doopa dee do**

**I've got a funny story for you**

**Oompa loompa doopa da dee**

**If you are bored please listen to me**

**What do you get when your 'nostrils of doom'**

**Grow bigger than the size of small rooms?**

**What comes to you with Potter up your nose?**

**A one way trip to St. Mungo's**

**Don't you think it's funny?**

**Oompa loompa doopa dee da**

**If you're not angry you will go far**

**You will live in happiness too**

**Like the house elves here at Hogwarts do too**

The house elves exited, followed by Dumbledore, who muttered something like, "That's the last time I allow them to watch TV."

Needless to say, Draco was confused. What the hell was TV?

~****~

Later that night, Draco lay on his bed taking mental inventory of the day. He'd actually given up on counting all of the things that were wrong with Hogwarts now that Cat was there, and had settled for trying to figure out why no plan to make her leave that he'd tried so far had worked. He'd thought he'd ignore her, and she had kept following him. He'd tried glaring at her, and she had been amused. He'd attempted to sic his father on her, but thanks to Harry Potter, that had also failed. Our poor Draco was getting quite frustrated…so frustrated, in fact, that he threw a bottle of his favorite hair gel at the wall, grinning as it shattered, then cursing as he realized what it was that he had thrown. "Stupid girl is messing up everything", he muttered, cleaning up the mess.

Finally deciding that he really couldn't be bothered to think anymore that night, Draco changed into his pajamas and went to sleep, dreaming of a time when Hogwarts made sense.

~****~

The days went by, as days tend to do, and there was no change. Cat continued stalking Draco around the castle, and Draco continued to avoid her. It was becoming quite tiresome. There were benefits, however. Hermione Granger still couldn't speak, as Snape's wife wasn't inclined to take the spell off of her just yet, and surprisingly enough, neither were any of the Professors. It seemed as if everyone at Hogwarts had suddenly started hating Granger, and there was nothing she could say to change it. She walked around the halls in silence, but somehow Draco found the silence held just as much arrogant intelligence as a talking Granger.

Lucius Malfoy was still in St. Mungo's, as the removal of one Harry Potter from his nose had to be treated with supreme delicacy. Said Potter was still alive, much to Draco's dismay, because one of the staff had had the sense to cast a bubble-headed charm on him before he suffocated. Draco felt that this was a completed waste of time and wrote a scathing letter to the man's supervisor, but had yet to receive a reply. He guessed it didn't really matter anyway.

What mattered was that Draco was finally losing his cool. He had started acting skittish, jumping at shadows. He clung to Crabbe and Goyle like lifelines. He stayed up late at night just to make sure that Cat wouldn't sneak into the Slytherin dorms and have her wicked way with him, and as a result he was always tired, his robes were always wrinkled, and his hair was always mussed. It was the last thing that broke Draco. He could handle bloodshot eyes and wrinkled robes. He could deal with feeling paranoid. Hell, he could even tolerate his newfound clinginess. He could stand anything…anything but having his hair messed up.

In desperation he did the last thing he could think of: he asked Crabbe and Goyle to "have a talk" with Cat. They blinked at him in shock. "But she's cool", Crabbe protested, and Goyle nodded. Draco ran a distracted hand through his hair, scowling as he realized what he had just done. He glowered at Crabbe and Goyle, then sneered, saying, "You will do this or I will be forced to tell my father."

Goyle snorted. "Hate to break it to ya, Malfoy, but at the moment that threat just doesn't work", he informed the furious Draco, smirking.

Draco was so angry that he could barely speak. His mouth worked soundlessly, and his eyebrows wriggled like never before. Then, much to Draco's dismay, his nostrils gave a small twitch. "NO!" he cried, putting his hand up to cover his nose and running away. Once in the relative safety of his dorm room he pulled out his compact (yes, ladies and gents, he had a compact) and checked out his nostrils, just to make sure they were the same size as always. They were, and Draco gave a small sigh of relief. Then he caught sight of his hair and with a small half-sob, put the compact away.

When he saw Crabbe and Goyle later, he was more diplomatic. "Tell me what you want", he said simply, resigned. Crabbe and Goyle grinned. "Beg", Goyle demanded with a smug expression, and Crabbe nodded.

Draco stared at them in a mixture of amusement and horror. "You can't be serious", he said incredulously, but it was clear from the expression on both of their faces that they were indeed serious. He snorted disdainfully. "A Malfoy never begs", he informed his former goons in his snootiest voice, hoping desperately that this would turn them back into the mindless followers that they had been before.

Goyle shrugged. "Suit yourself", he said simply, and grabbed Crabbe's arm, dragging him away. Draco abruptly decided that allowing Goyle to read had been a bad move on his part. When one read, one **learned** things, and Draco knew that this was why Goyle was standing up to him now.

Draco knew what he would have to do…he would have to talk to Cat himself. The thought of doing so made the blood drain from his face. Look how miserable she had made his life from afar; who knew what she could do to him up close?

Still, Draco had pride, and he would not...I repeat, **would not** go after Crabbe and Goyle, begging like some stupid little commoner. Oh, no. Draco drew himself up to his full height (five feet four inches…and it wasn't short, it **wasn't**), but then caught sight of himself in a random mirror that had conveniently placed itself right across from Draco in the hope of getting some amusement. Whimpering, Draco threw all dignity to the winds and ran after Crabbe and Goyle, throwing himself at their feet and grabbing the hem of their robes.

"Oh, please, please, **please** do this for me. I'll do anything…anything. I'm going crazy—my HAIR! LOOK AT MY HAIR!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, praying that this was enough humiliation to satisfy those two vile, evil---**Slytherins**.

It was, thank Merlin. Giving Draco the Patented Malfoy Smirk, Goyle said, "Fine; we'll talk to her. Don't get your knickers in a twist." With that both of his ex-goons started to make their way towards Cat, but once again the previously unthinkable happened.

Just before they got to Cat, Pansy appeared in front of Goyle. She smiled brightly at him and then, with a confused look on her face, said, "Let's go snog." Now, the old Goyle would have blinked at Pansy stupidly, but the new Hooked on Phonics Goyle wasn't one to let opportunity pass him by. So even though in all their years together at Hogwarts Pansy had never so much as looked at him, he took her hand and led her to the Slytherin dorms, leaving poor Draco to his fate.

Crabbe stared after them, head cocked, completely forgetting his mission as he watched his friend and fellow tormentor scamper off with Pansy. He probably would have stood there all day, had Blaise not come up to him and say, "Looks like fun, wanna try it?"

Now, thought Crabbe was not the tower of intelligence that was Goyle (hear the sarcasm?), it would take someone with the thought process of a flobberworm no to understand what Blaise meant. I know that Crabbe is dumb, but a **flobberworm**? Please. Crabbe had the intelligence of a blast-ended skrewt at least, so it only took a few seconds of pondering before he got it. One thing I'll say about Slytherins, they are opportunists. Once Crabbe figured out what Blaise meant, he decided why not, mostly because although Blaise's sex was questionable, Crabbe had never snogged anybody before…and snogging someone who's sex was a mystery had to be better than **not **snogging someone who's sex wasn't. with that thought firmly in mind, Crabbe took Blaise by her-um, his-oh, who bloody cares?-hand and went the same why that Goyle had gone, not sparing a thought for our poor Draco, who was gaping like a fish the whole time.

Draco couldn't believe this. His last resort, gone. The only people he'd thought he could count on in this world left him for a snog. Draco was alone. There was no hope for it; Draco would have to face Cat by himself.

~****~

Draco walked up to Cat slowly, the sense of impending doom getting worse with each step. That, coupled with the fierce wish that if he was going to die, couldn't he at least die **attractively**, was making his stomach rather queasy. Draco was sorely tempted to just turn tail and run, but no, he had to do this, things couldn't go on the way they had been. He needed to get Hogwarts back to normal, and facing Cat was the only way to do so.

So he walked towards her, taking baby steps so the journey would take longer, wishing that he were doing anything else. Hell, he would even prefer scrubbing cauldrons for Snape all day and listening to his and his wife's disgusting love talk over confronting Stalker Girl, known in some quarters as Cat. But Draco knew that no matter how much he wanted to flee, he couldn't…no, not unless he wanted a lifetime of messy hair, which he most certainly did **not**.

It was because of this that Draco didn't run back up to his dormitory and hide, as he so desperately wanted to. Mentally preparing himself for whatever was to come, Draco took the last few steps to Cat, who had been watching his progress with a smile. Oh, how he hated her. Squaring his shoulders and meeting her eyes with his own, Draco asked, "What do you want?"

Cat's smile grew into a delighted grin. "It's about time", she told him. "I was beginning to think that you would never get balls and I would be stuck here forever."

Draco blinked in confusion. "I-I don't understand what you mean", he said. "Haven't you been here forever?"

Cat gave him an exasperated look. "You know I haven't", she said impatiently, "you've been telling anyone who'll listen ever since I got here that I don't belong. Why are you pretending that you haven't? I do have ears, you know." She rolled her eyes, and Draco scowled, ignoring his eyebrows and angrily blowing a strand of hair out of his eyes.

"So tell me why you're here, then", he demanded angrily. "I assume that you know, and I also assume that it involves me." Cat simply grinned at him, and Draco lost all patience. "Look here", he shouted, getting right in the girl's face. "I don't know why you're here, or why it involves me of all the bloody people at Hogwarts, but I demand that you tell me now, or I swear, as soon as my father gets Potter pried out of his nose, he will make you pay. Look what you've done to me!" he screeched, gesturing at the mess he had become. Tears filled his eyes when he thought of his hair, and he grabbed Cat's shirt, unaware that he was crying as he yelled, "Tell me what it is you want already so my bloody life can go back to normal!"

Cat took a step back, and her eyes widened. "Um…I don't know what to say. I wasn't told there would be angst. I'll admit, I suspected you had a thing about your hair, but holy hell…"

Draco glared. "Oh shut up", he snapped sullenly. "Would you just tell me what you want?"

Cat sighed. "Okay. But I want you to know that this whole thing was not my idea, okay? Well it was, but as for it actually happening, it was the fault of—"

"I don't bloody care whose fault it is!" Draco burst out. "Haven't you been listening? I just want to get this over with so I can go back to tormenting the scum of Hogwarts in peace, thank you very much."

"Has anyone ever told you that **you're **actually the scum of Hogwarts?" a Voice inquired, and Draco looked around for its owner, confused when he saw no one but Cat, who was looking rather peeved. "Lizz!" she yelled, "Buzz off!"

There was no response, and Draco assumed that Lizz-whoever she was-had indeed buzzed off. He turned back to look at Cat. "So?" he asked calmly, having had time to cool off.

Cat sighed. "The whole reason I'm here," she admitted, blushing, "is that, well…"

"Spit it out", Draco demanded impatiently. "Honestly, it can't be any more embarrassing than what I have gone through." Actually, Draco was secretly hoping that what Cat was about to reveal would be more embarrassing than what he'd gone through; perhaps it would be something that he could tell the whole school…Draco definitely wasn't above revenge. But he knew that if he pretended to sympathize with her she would be more likely to tell him than if he had ridiculed her straight off.

Cat sighed again. "I know what you're thinking", she told him, rolling her eyes, "and let me tell you that it won't work. Even if the reason I'm here is more embarrassing than all your trauma put together, no one would believe you if you told them. It's one of the joys of being an add-inn."

"A what?" Draco asked, puzzled.

"Never mind", Cat said briskly, "It's time for me to tell you why I'm here."

Draco's ears perked up and he waited eagerly, relief flooding through him as he realized that soon this hell would be over.

Cat paused dramatically. "I'm here," she said, lowering her voice and drawing out her words for affect, "because—"

"I am your father", the Voice From Earlier intoned, and Cat gave a frustrated yell. "Lizz!" she shrieked warningly, and the Voice fell silent once again. Cat gave one final glare, then turned back to Draco. "Sorry 'bout that", she told him. "Lizz is a moron." She looked around as if waiting for the Voice to contradict her, but nothing happened. Satisfied, Cat picked up the thread of her explanation and began again. "I'm here," she said, not bothering to give in to dramatics this time, "because, well…Iwannamublemumble."

Cat was blushing furiously now, but Draco was once again confused. He did not like this constant confusion; the puzzled look just did not work for him. That was more Potter's bag than his, thank you very much.

"You what?" he demanded. "I couldn't hear you. And speak up; I don't want there to be any confusion."

Cat scowled at him. "**Speak up**", she mocked angrily, "**I don't want there to be any confusion**. Fine. I'll speak up. I said: I WANT TO LICK YOUR FUCKING EARLOBES! Loud enough for you, your highness?"

Draco simply stared at Cat, mouth hanging open. "That's it?" He demanded incredulously. "That is the whole reason you've made my life a living hell? Why didn't you just tell me from the beginning?"

Cat replied, "I wanted to, but we needed a plot. Plus, I couldn't leave my friends out now could I?"

"So this was all your doing!" Draco cried. "I knew it!" Draco liked nothing more than to be right about something, and felt that he could forgive Cat all the misery that she had caused him just for this. Then a strand of un-gelled hair fell into his eyes, and he scowled. **Everything but that** he thought furiously. **I'll never forgive her that**.

But Cat was shaking her head. "Not entirely, no", she was replying. "I mean, it's my fault that everything started, I'm not the one responsible for it. Does that make any sense?"

Draco shook his head. "No", he replied, "It doesn't. If it's not your fault, then who's is it?"

"Mine", said the Voice of the Person Cat Kept Calling Lizz. "I did it all. Now, could we please get to the ear snogging? I'm losing my inspiration, and I need to get on to bigger and better things."

"And I really would like to go home", Cat added. Draco sighed.

"Normally I would say no just to make you suffer, but I want things to go back to normal, too." He admitted. Turning to Cat he said, "Get on with it."

Cat was staring at him with wide eyes. "You don't find this odd?" she asked him, and Draco laughed. "I'm used to it," he informed her. "Back when we still had Dobby it was either let him lick my earlobes or sniff my socks, and as giving him clothes would set him free, I really had no choice in the matter. Just hurry it up, okay?"

Cat nodded eagerly, eyes shining, and Draco allowed himself a small smirk of amusement. He hadn't told Cat, but she wasn't the first human to be infatuated with his earlobes. Pansy, Crabbe, Goyle, even Flint had all asked to get a lick at one time or another. **I'll never understand what it is about my earlobes that gets people hot**, he told himself, **but to each his own, I suppose**.

It wasn't much different from the way it had felt when Dobby and Pansy had done it (He'd refused Crabbe and Goyle on the basis that they were his thugs and therefore couldn't get personal, and Flint on the grounds that even the thought of having that mouth near his perfect skin made him want to retch). Warm and wet, the tongue brushed each of his earlobes once, twice before withdrawing, and Draco completed the ritual by wiping his ears with the edge of his robes.

Stepping back, Draco asked apprehensively, "Is that it? Is it over?" Cat smiled at him. "Yes, I believe so," she replied, and Draco allowed himself to give a relieved smile of his own. "Good", he said, then started to leave, before turning back.

"I'd like to say that perhaps we could have been friends", he told her, "but I don't like to lie." Giving her his best Malfoy Smirk, he moved to make Dramatic Exit #54-not that he was counting-and ran straight into Snape's wife.

"Will you be leaving too, then?" he asked her, and she gave him a dirty look. "Yes, I'll be leaving…you miserable little toe rag." She replied, then brushed by him to join Cat. Draco smirked once more and prepared to leave, but was once again interrupted.

"Oh, and Draco?" the Voice of Lizz said. Annoyed, Draco replied, "Yes?" without even bothering to turn around. "I just want to give you one piece of advice before you leave. Get braces! I know you're British and everything, and I have to make allowances for that, but you're also a wizard, for crying out loud! Why can't you just straighten your teeth? All you'd have to do is wave your wand around and say an incantation and boom! Straight teeth."

Draco didn't even bother with a response that time. In fact, he even forgot to make a dramatic exit as he hightailed it as far away from the vicinity he could get as fast as he could.

~****~

Draco woke slowly. Waiting for his eyes to adjust to the sunlight streaming through his dorm, he blinked a couple of times, looking around. Ahh, the safety of the Slytherin dorms. No worries about any Gryffindors trying to sneak their way in. No happy, perky morning people. Best of all, no Cat with her incessant stalking.

At this thought, Draco sat straight up in bed, all thoughts of waking up slowly forgotten. He remembered. Yesterday. Cat. Earlobe licking. The Voice From Nowhere. Promises. Draco especially remembered the promises. Namely, the one where Cat promised to be out of his life forever, and her crazy friends, too. Deciding that he had to see if it was true, Draco jumped out of bed and dressed hurriedly, taking no time to think about his appearance as he ran to the Great Hall.

He burst through the doors of the Great Hall, flushed and out of breath, and looked around frantically. No sign of Cat anywhere. Of course, there were hardly any students eating breakfast this early, but Cat had always been there before Draco, no matter how early he woke. Despite himself, Draco began to hope.

His hope intensified throughout the day, as he casually mentioned Cat, Snape's wife, and Potter's AIDS to several people, and they gave him looks that clearly said they thought he was going off of the deep end. But still, Draco wasn't positive she was truly gone until Potions.

Draco walked in to class a bit earlier than his Housemates, and lo and behold, there was none other than Harry Potter himself, sitting in his usual seat between his two followers, looking as though he'd never been stuck up Lucius Malfoy's nose. But then again, maybe he hadn't been. Draco was beginning to believe that anything was possible. "I see you're back at school Potter. Too bad you didn't suffocate."

Potter looked at Draco incredulously. "What are you on about, Malfoy?" he asked. "I see that the lack of hair products is really getting to you. It's not an option I would consider in the near future if I were you."

Draco couldn't help it; he began to grin like a madman, causing the Golden Trio to raise their eyebrows and drop their mouths in total and complete shock. Draco didn't mind; he simply strutted to his seat just as Snape walked into the classroom, looking quite ill tempered. "Potter, close your mouth." he snapped, "It's a sickening sight to see it hanging open like that. Thirty points from Gryffindor."

And as all of the Gryffindor's voices rose in mutiny and a decidedly happier Snape began deducting more points, Draco leaned back in his seat and smirked. Things were finally back to normal at Hogwarts, and he, for one, couldn't be more pleased.


End file.
